Asperger playlist

When words to describe your feelings are hard to find, music – with or without lyrics – is a valuable form of expression. Lyrics and poems are for me an essential part of being. Music both grounds me and gives wings to my mind, all at the same time.

Escapes through the rhythm of words

This is one of the descriptions from Samantha Craft´s non-official checklist for Asperger in females. I was so fascinated when I first read these words (and still am) that I almost had them tattooed on my forearm (still might). Hypnotised by their perfect capture of the meditative state brought on by words and rhythm. Mindfulness at its best.

Mixtape nerd

Some people “say it with flowers”. I go with music and lyrics. Below is a list of songs that help me describe the world as I see it through my Asperger’s glasses. In no particular order, some of the songs have been with me as long as I can remember, others came later. Some I still haven´t found, but may add them to the list if and when I do.

Human behavior – Björk

…There’s definitely definitely definitely no logic … and there is no map and a compass would’t help at all…

Do we need to discuss that any further? (She said, looking up from her scribbled map, self-help book, phrasebook).

When you are constantly memorising, sorting, comparing and trying to make sense of the way people think and react, you find out sooner or later that there´s definitely definitely definitely no logic in anything. At all. Just when you think you´ve mapped out the world correctly it suddenly turns upside down and you´re back at square one. With no 200$ for landing on GO.

Nevertheless, interacting with people is an intriguing puzzle you can hardly stay away from. S you don´t give up, but try again.

…Be ready be ready to get confused…

(p.s. In the official video Björk appears, among other things, in a space suit and inside a womb. Themes that also appear in I am a rock and Space oddity).

I am a rock – Simon and Garfunkel

… I am alone. Gazing from my window to the streets below on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow … I am a rock, I am an island. I’ve built walls, a fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain … I have my books and my poetry to protect me … Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island …

This song is high school more or less, give or take a few years at each end. I had absolutely no understanding of the world or what it wanted of me. How many thousand hours did I spend alone in my room? A lifetime? Most of the time I felt like I was looking at the world from the outside in. I remember looking at a snowflake melting in my palm, at the top of the stairs outside my school, thinking; I melt snow, so I must exist.

This is the time when I did my best to perfect a bulletproof pokerface. To always act as if nothing, never let anything upset me. A bit like being lost in a big city not wanting to give away your foreignness by stopping to check the map. You just walk on, pretend you know where you´re going and hope to find a subway station before you´ve worn your feet to the knees. Because if you show any weakness you risk getting attacked. Just be a rock, an island, nothing to see, everything under control here…

The negative side of this kind of being is that if nothing bad can touch you, nothing good can either. If you feel no pain, can you feel joy? Maybe that´s the trick – instead of shutting everything out you have to pick and choose. Build a bridge to the mainland, slowly, carefully.

Don’t let me be misunderstood – Nina Simone

Genius Nina didn´t have it easy. Diagnosed bipolar, a rock-hard activist, repeatedly misunderstood and in fact marginalised. Violent, victim of violence. Ahead of her time in so many ways but also out of sync with the life around her. I´m pretty sure she would have ticked more than a few Asperger´s boxes herself.

… I´m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh Lord please don´t let me be misunderstood …

I am actually quite articulate, good at explaining things and getting messages across. I´ve practised endlessly, learned from more mistakes than I can count and picked up more than a few useful tricks for my toolbox. Nevertheless the misunderstandings in my life are innumerable and I will probably just have to accept them as a constant companion as long as I´ll live. Sadly, the most distressing and painful misunderstandings always seem to occur in the most challenging situations. When all the programs in my head are running on full speed, all my senses are overstimulated and I´m trying to do be extra careful, doing my very very best. When the stakes are at their highest, the gaps begin to show and I loose sight of the wall I´m about to crash into.

…I try so very very hard…

Honesty – Billy Joel

This is my song, all the way. Love at first listening and always number one. An Asperger anthem if there ever was one.

I´d rather you told me the hard truth then a comfortable lie.

… When I’m deep inside of me, don’t be too concerned. I won’t ask for nothing while I’m gone. But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn? ‘Cause you’re the one I depend upon …

…Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you…

Billy kept me alive when I was the rock and the island, all alone in my fortress. He allowed me to escape in the rhytm of words.

I just can´t get tired of this song. Please play it at my funeral.

True colors – Cyndi Lauper

All the colors of the rainbow are beautiful, and true. Accept your color, that´s why I love you.

Somehow this song always reminds me of autumn, the truest of all seasons. When nature shows us all its true colors. When the leaves, that have all been covered in green, finally show their inner nature. Become special, vulnerable and beautiful and say goodbye to us each one unique.

…You with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged. Oh I realize it’s hard to take courage in a world full of people. You can lose sight of it all, and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small…

Space oddity – David Bowie

But of course, what else? And who better than David Bowie? He never really seemed to belong to this world and said goodbye under the sign of a black star. Timeless, eternal.

Space, aliens, astronauts – all well known Asperger´s themes.

Individuals on the spectrum often feel that they don´t understand humans and therefore must come from a different planet. Men are from Mars, women from Venus and Aspergians from Pluto. We come in peace 🙂

Space is also a common special interest among people on the spectrum. My 10 year old son is at that stage right now, generously sharing all kinds of knowledge, from Yuri Gagarin to satellites, with me. When I ask him where he gets all this information, he smiles mischievously saying: “well, it ain´t a book”. Long live the internet.

Major Tom is floating in his own world, eating protein pills, trusting that his spaceship knows the way. His communication with Earth is a bit complicated, maybe more of a two-way monologue than a conversation.

…Can you hear me major Tom?…

Stúlkan/The girl – Todmobile

How perfect are these lyrics? Capture it completely. Maybe we now know why … lend me an ear!

The girl kissed a stone
And she kissed a car
The girl kissed a window
and she kissed the ground
where she lay counting airplanes
Don´t know why
I don´t know why
The girl hugged a tree
and she hugged a house
The girl hugged a book 
and she hugged her clothes
But she never 
never hugged her people
Don´t know why
I don´t know why
More - would you like to hear some more
about the girl and other things
something funny and amusing, would you?
More - would you like to hear some more
then lend me an ear
something funny and amusing I said
The girl looked out at the ocean
and she looked into a flower
The girl looked at a boat
and she looked at the sky
but she never
never looks you in the eye
Don´t know why
I don´t know why

More later…

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